Empowerment Through Self-Sovereignty: Cultivating Inner Strength and Emotional Independence

In this episode of "Masterful Listening," I share the transformative insights gained from a recent therapy session. It helped me realize ( and remember) that as adults, it is our own responsibility to save ourselves, rather than relying on others to do so.

While as children we needed others to care for us, as adults, we have the power to take care of ourselves and avoid self-abandonment. Taking full responsibility for our own growth and well-being not only benefits ourselves but also contributes to the growth of those around us.

Join me as I explore the empowering journey of self-rescue and the impact it can have on personal development and relationships.

Also, shout out to Betterhelp!

Masterful Listening is sponsored by Rad Hats For Rad Humans. 30% of every purchase goes towards mental health initiatives. If you write a review of the show, you get 20% off a Rad Hat of your own.

Visit svetlanasaitsky.com
Email: Svetlana.thisisit@gmail.com
Instagram: Jetsvetter

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:19

You know what this therapist told me that blew my mind? And I love the way she did it too. I was like talking about how I don't feel like I've been really supported in my friendships, and she goes, Stop. She goes, let me tell you the difference between an adult and a child. Adults cannot be abandoned. Children can be abandoned because children can't take care of themselves. Adults can. In fact, that's what adults do. Now, whether we are doing so well is a whole other issue. But just something about that, that adults cannot be abandoned. So this feeling of abandonment isn't actually an adult experience. It's you reverting back to being that little scared child. And she was so right. Because the truth is, when I'm really in my power, I don't ever abandon myself. I'm always there. I figure it out. But when I feel scared or hurt or lost or, you know, abandoned by someone else, that leads me to abandon myself more and more and more. And that sucks. And I don't want to do it anymore. And the cool thing is, I can change that. I kind of did right away. So I want to share a little bit more about this really profound therapy session I had. And maybe this will help you because, you know, I consider myself a pretty confident person. I've done a lot of work. I mean, I've been in therapy. I was in therapy for about six years with a youngin analyst. It was incredible. Then I took some time off. And then I did some somatic come therapy, which was really cool because it incorporated like the body. And then I took a few years off. So I haven't had a therapist in the last couple of years. And after a lot of what's been happening recently, I just thought, you know, I really need someone to just listen to me and help me through some stuff. I really believe in this work and in the personal development space. If any of you out there are always looking to grow and learn and get better, it can also get really challenging because it's like, when does it end? It doesn't end. And I think it's really important to just be, right? Put into practice all the things you've been learning and growing and sometimes take a break from always feeling like you got to get somewhere else. And yet, if you're feeling like I was feeling, where like, man, I am stuck, like I'm feeling crappy. I don't understand why my relationships aren't working well. Like, what's wrong? And I was kind of looking outward. Maybe it's the people around me. Maybe, but it's me. I'm the one looking at the people around me. I'm the one listening. Masterfully? Hmm, maybe not so much. Because when I masterfully listen to me, I don't abandon myself. But when I'm focused way more on the outside world and I'm stressed and I'm looking for someone else to come along and save me, first of all, that puts all the power outside of me and it pretty much always leaves me disappointed. And it puts a lot of pressure on other people. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that anymore. So if you're someone who's been struggling with, you know, abandoning yourself in moments and hoping someone else can just come and fix it. And maybe sometimes that happens, but then it keeps happening. This might really help you. We're going to talk about what it means to really have self-sovereignty. And again, this does not mean that it's like, screw everyone else. I don't need friends or people in my life. No, it just means that you got yourself, you got your own back. You don't abandon yourself because you're an adult. So you can do that. You can not abandon yourself and cultivate inner strength, emotional independence. And that sounds pretty good to me, right? Does it sound good to you? All right, cool. Well then let's dive in. Welcome back to the world's first super rad listening school. I'm so glad that you're here. It's a beautiful day here. And uh yeah, let's dive in. So, first of all, I'm gonna share some what I believe are profound insights that I really did gain from a recent transformative therapy session. So, shout out to all the therapists out there who are doing big work in a half an hour. This woman really, really, really helped me. And I gotta give a shout out to BetterHelp. Uh, I was skeptical. It was a platform I had not used. I think I had some assumptions like, oh, can there really be a great therapist? Yeah. So thank you to the friends who turned me on to it. Thank you to the therapist. I'm not gonna name you, but I will send you this episode because I want you to know that you made a really big difference. And I'm super looking forward to diving even deeper. You know, as children, we did fundamentally need others to care for us. As adults, we actually do have the power to take care of ourselves and avoid self-abandonment. But taking full responsibility for our own growth and well-being can feel hard. It can also feel like, oh, why do I have to do it all alone? You don't have to do it all alone, but you can do so much more than you think you can. And guess what? When you do, you benefit. You benefit. Like, yeah, you as a person will benefit, but also everyone around you will benefit as well. They feel less pressure, they can see that you're capable, right? So join me, right, as we explore this like empowerment journey and what it means to rescue yourself and the impact that this is gonna have. Because you know what? I've been through some crappy times where I thought it was done. I thought there was nothing I could do to get out of it, and ultimately I saved me because I sought out help and that saved me. There were a lot of people on my path who really helped me, but who ultimately saved me? Me, who will ultimately save you? You and that's awesome. How cool is that that you have you, you're just probably out of touch with you, and you, the adult that you are, have a little inner child who's still screaming and sad and scared because most of us did not get the exact perfect parents who knew exactly how to take care of us, right? And so that little kid is still crying out, but you get to be the adult that you didn't have. You get to not abandon yourself because you can. So one other quick thing I want to say before I dive a little bit deeper into kind of this therapy session and what's been happening with me and how I've been abandoning myself and how I'm not gonna do that anymore. Meaning, I'm gonna practice, practice, practice, practice. This is a muscle you gotta keep trying. I have often felt very misunderstood. Can you relate to that? I'm just like, people don't get me. I wish someone would get me. And then sometimes when I feel like someone does get me, I'm like, oh, that feels so good. But here's the thing the other thing that this woman said that I just loved, and by the way, I didn't even tell her that I feel misunderstood. She, in listening to me for five minutes, was like, you probably really feel super misunderstood. And you just want to feel like people get you. And she's like, but guess what? You will never be understood. You will never be understood because the trauma that you have. Do you really want people to understand you? Because for them to understand you, they would have had to go through what you've gone through. And honestly, I would not want someone to go through a really intense immigration where then I was a refugee and super poor and saw my parents struggle and be in fear for most of our lives. I would not want people to have felt what it was like to suddenly get thrown into this super fancy school where everyone's super rich and I was like going a Ross embarrassed because I didn't have money to buy nice things. I wouldn't want people to have experienced depression at a cataclysmic level where I was done with life and I was so lost and I couldn't do anything, and a million other things. Of course, I would like people to have experienced all the great stuff, but it doesn't work that way. So for someone to fully a thousand percent understand you, they would have had to probably go through exactly or something really, really, really similar. And something about her just saying permission to not be understood. They can't be the one, but you can be the one. You can be the one to understand you more, you can be the one to have compassion for your friends, right? Because I often am like, I mean, I just did a Stanford program on compassion for a year. I'm all about compassion. And it starts within. But it's so cool to actually be a person who has compassion for someone enough to know that when you reach out to someone and you ask for help and they don't show up instead of thinking, oh, they don't care about me, they're abandoning me to think, man, they must be going through something. It's not about me. It's not that they don't care, it's that it's not a good time. That blew my mind too. I mean, again, it's so simple. But I always tell myself the story that if I reach out to someone and they are not available, it means they do not care. And do you know what that story makes me do and feel? No bueno, not good stuff. I instantly shit spiral into no one cares, they can't get me, why isn't anyone there? Screw them. Do you know how that affects my friendships and relationships? It hasn't had the best impact, right? And so now I'm thinking, I'm an adult. I can meet my own needs emotionally too, because I've been able to meet a lot of my needs that aren't like deeply connected to my wounds, right? I run my own business, I've traveled the world, I take care of rat, I take care of my home pretty well. And yet emotionally, sometimes I just, God, I just want someone to come and give me a hug. But guess what? I give the best hugs. I mean, how cool is it to realize you can hold yourself in a way that really no one else can? And it doesn't mean you shouldn't ask for a hug sometimes. Just means that if no one's around, you can hug yourself physically, emotionally, right? We can meet our own needs. And another thing she said that I thought was really interesting is that actually, you know, a lot of us are seeking for those single humans out there like me, or even maybe those who are married or in partnership. We want a partner who totally gets you. She said, You actually don't. Because if you had someone who totally got you, it wouldn't challenge you to get to know yourself more and to keep being resilient and show up, right? Isn't it super attractive when someone you're with like loves you fully and wants to be with you and connect with you, but isn't like needing you for all their stuff because they can't handle life without you, right? And who totally gets you because think about it, it's kind of cool when you don't exactly get someone because then you're curious. I want to understand you more. I want to understand the the dreams, the fears, the pain. Like that's vulnerability, that's connection too. Yeah, we gotta give ourselves permission to save ourselves. And we could still have community. We need community, we need to have a sense of belonging, and that is something we can keep cultivating. It's not one or the other. The point is your life is all about you, and life is not at all about you. Isn't that trippy? Right? Like you can't expect that everyone's world revolves around you because everyone's world revolves around them. And sometimes you really want the world to just revolve around you, but you internally are the one observing the world. Like, no one has the life you have. Isn't that wild? Like, I used to think about that. I remember as a teenager, I was like, it's so crazy, but like no one actually can know me fully. And that felt kind of sad, but then it kind of felt cool because I was like, but I have this cool relationship with me, and I get to share, which is why I even make this show. It's nice to share, it's nice to connect, right? But then it's like, how do I want to live my life? How do you want to live your life? And how can you share what you've learned, what you love, what you want to do, and how do you co-create in a way that is masterful? And I think that's about first asking yourself great questions, masterfully listening to your truth, to what you need, to what the adult needs, to what that inner child needs, to what all the characters in your mind need. And then how do you think differently about things? So things shift and change and you evolve and grow and you heal. We can heal. I know we can heal. I have healed and I am still healing. And that's the other thing I want to point out here, too, is that in the last couple of years, anytime someone's like, oh, here's this great book, Svet, I think you're gonna really like it. And it's anything self-help, I'm like, no. I've been really turned off by it because I'm like, what else can I learn? I've read all the books, I've written some, I know this, and not even from a place of ego, but genuinely, it's super rare that I read something and I'm like, oh, wow. So that's why I was like, will a therapist even help me? I've been to so much therapy. Oh my God, it did. So continuing to stay open to learning something new, man, that's powerful. So consider that too. Have you continued to seek new information outside of yourself, but also within yourself that can help you get past patterns, right? You either break patterns or they break you. If you don't break the patterns in your life, they're gonna keep showing up. And for a lot of people, their patterns, the crappy ones, they break them. Sometimes I meet people and I could just feel like they're just so heartbroken that they're not even in their life. It's so sad. And I felt that. But I keep somehow powering through because I want to break through those patterns. I want to shatter that stuff and and and and remember that that's why I'm here. I get to do that, and sometimes it's super overwhelming. That's why you get a therapist and a coach, because putting all that on your friends and community is a lot of pressure. Okay. So, first of all, uh get a therapist. And uh, if you need an affordable one, BetterHelp apparently has some incredible people. So check that out. And let me share a little bit of a story, a personal reflection about how I've been abandoning myself and how even after this short therapy session, I've already shifted in some ways, even by remembering things. That's why mantras matter. Why am I covered in tattoos? Because I needed to see the things that remind me to stay grounded. I think a great next tattoo would be something like, I never abandon me. I got me. I got you. I got you, Sveti. You're good, you're taken care of. But before I dive into more of a story, let me invite you to masterfully listen. Again, what does that mean? Stay with me, be present. If you're curious, cool. If you're not, go ahead. Do something else. Turn this off. This is not a show to play in the background. Uh, unless you're able to have something on in the background and really listen, then, you know, use your discretion. Uh, but masterful listening is a meditation and a practice of presence. Be where you are, be where your feet are, listen to my words, listen to my tone, listen to my energy, watch me. I just dyed my hair a darker red. What do you think? Right? It's all part of masterful listening. Okay. So genuine curiosity, focus on what I'm saying. If you get distracted, come on back. You're always welcome back. It's a great practice. Okay, so let's see. How have I been abandoning myself? Well, first, one of the ways that I know I've been abandoning myself is I've had these moments, and less recently, because I'm really in the zone of self-reliance, what does that look like? Not even self-love, just self-reliance. When I'm in a situation often where I feel emotionally stressed, I am a verbal processor. So it always helps me to speak it out. Like I always feel better when I just speak things out. And even if no one gives me advice, just speaking it and being listened to is super powerful. And I often like to talk to people when I'm driving. So often, if I found myself getting in my car and feeling a bit overwhelmed, I would just call someone. And there have been moments where I've literally called 10 people in a row and nobody picks up. And I just think, okay, well, isn't this a sign that maybe I shouldn't be calling anyone? I should just be sitting with this discomfort. So I started doing that. If I call even one or two people and they don't pick up, the first thing I do is I ask myself, why am I calling this person? Am I calling this person because I genuinely want to talk to them? Am I calling this person because I want them to make me feel better? Am I calling this person because I'm just habitually wanting to talk to someone? Right? I always say the first step to anything and everything is awareness. Why are you doing what you're doing? What are you hoping to get out of what you're doing? Just becoming more mindful of that is a way to not abandon yourself more. Because think about it, anytime you're really reaching out to someone else for something, you're not reaching out to yourself or reaching in to yourself. So I started saying, okay, well, what if I could just talk myself through this? And then I did. I would literally say to myself what I would say to that person, and I would see what myself responded with. And it was incredible how much I just worked through by just speaking to myself. And yes, sometimes I was driving in my car and speaking to myself out loud. And actually, that's healthy. Okay. Might look a little cuckoo. I don't care. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what I look like to you. It matters how I feel like to me. And then I would check in with myself and say, do I still need to call that person? Or can I just call them now and just check on how they're doing versus asking them for something? The key here is to remember I'm not saying not to call a friend when you're in need. But check in on are you doing that all the time because you don't think you can solve your own problem? Because you can. Doesn't mean you still can't get some advice. And also, are you showing up for people? Are you picking up the phone when they call you for some support, right? So just taking some responsibility for like why I was reaching out to people has been really, really, really helpful. Recently, I've also felt like I've reached out, not even in times of need, but in times of like wanting connection and love and support. I spend 99% of my life alone. I work from home, I live alone with a rad, my dog. So I'm not alone, but like humans. There's not a lot of humans that I see and interact with. And I'm an introvert, but I really like to have interactions with humans once in a while. And I find that even as I'm walking rad, when I see a neighbor and I have a five-minute chat, I always feel better. And I'm single, so I don't have a partner that I'm talking to all the time or connecting with. And so honestly, for me, my friends are kind of my family. And so I was reaching out for some connection and people were just constantly unavailable. And also I have to say, I don't work a ton, meaning my schedule is very flexible. So I just have a lot more time. So I think the combination of me having a lot of time, wanting to connect, because I don't really see people a lot, and you know, just having a lot to process. I felt like I was reaching out, reaching out, and like people just couldn't be there. And I built up this big story. I'm not loved, I'm not cared for, I have to do everything alone. And, you know, as a coach and a teacher, I'm literally listening all day. I'm supporting people all day. So I think also the balance of how much am I being listened to and supported is way off just because of the work I do. And I love the work I do, but I was just like, man, I just want, I want me, me, me, me. And that's like such a little girl in me. And she's super cute and she needs some love and attention. But now, after the therapist pointed that out, anytime I get that feeling, and by the way, I haven't even had it since I spoke to her, but when I will, I'm just gonna remember that that is just a little baby girl who just wants some love because she wants to play, but there's no one who can play. So can I play alone? Right? Because playing alone could be really fun too. Plus, I have like the best playmate in rad, and I do get to play with him every day. And I don't know, it's it seems so simple, but even just checking in on why am I calling who I'm calling has been really, really profoundly meaningful, right? Me just talking to myself in my car, or as I'm sitting out on my balcony looking at the view and solving my own issue, man, it feels so good. It like calms my system, it reminds me that I have what I need. And if I feel like I don't, and that let's say my friends are just busy because they got their own life and their own needs, then I can have a therapist and I can pay them to help me. That's an adult thing to do as well. Or I can have a coach and I can pay them to help me. And then of course, I still have people who are more than happy to help me, but it actually feels really good to not need the help all the time so that when you really need it, you know, you can go and seek it. It also, I think, is a sign of self-reliance and love to know when to ask for help. I don't have a strength in doing everything. Man, but we have so many more strengths within us that if we had the courage to look in and discover them and then like build those muscles, I think we could accomplish a more, a more uh fulfilling life, but also probably deeper connections with those around us because we're gonna be more clear on what we do need from people, what kind of expectations make sense, what kind of standards do we want to have? But pretty much if I can do it, I'd like to do it. And I wanna play. I want to play, I want to play because I'm silly. And sometimes you just want to play. But if you're reaching out to play and then you're getting pissed off that someone can't play with you, they probably don't want to play with you anymore, right? They're probably feeling like, oh no, I'm disappointing this person again. So I'm really sorry for the people I've made feel that way. I mean, I'm not in charge of your feelings, but I can see how I contributed to that. So I'm trying to play more alone. And what are some fun ways that I like to play? Well, I like to make this show. This for me is fun and playful. Anytime I actually sit down and record, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad I did that, even though sometimes it's hard to get MUBA in the chair. Um, I also play by mixing up my hair, putting on something fun, doing my nails, um, hanging out and talking to rad, uh painting, doing something fun, creative. I haven't been making my hats or my shoes recently. I've been really in my emotional space, but I'm reminding myself or asking myself, what can I do to play more? Because when you're busy playing and doing something you're interested in, you're typically not even thinking so much about other people, which is nice, right? I mean, how great is it when you have a day just with yourself and you feel fulfilled? Again, it doesn't mean you don't want to have days with others, but wow, it feels so good. I want more of that for me. I want more of that for you. So, what are some tips that might help you moving forward? If you want to have more sovereignty, more play, more uh, let's go with less abandoning yourself, more emotional support. One, find any and every way to remind yourself of whatever positive beliefs and life mantras you want to embody. I have become so much of the mantras that I've said in a big way. A no is a yes to something better, ingrained in me. I am exactly perfectly on time, ingrained. This is it, definitely ingrained. I've been saying it for 20 years. I have it tattooed, I have it everywhere. So get a post-it, write your mantra, come up with a visual cue so you can see it. I wrote on my mirror four months ago, flossing is sexy, and when I floss, I'm gonna make more money. I've been flossing more. Make it silly. Who cares? Remind yourself of who you want to be more than who you don't want to be. So I find that positive mantras work better rather than I don't want to do this or I'm not this. I am this, I'm doing this, I'm capable of this, I'm becoming this. So, not I don't want to be lazy. I am becoming more energetic and committed as an example. Put your mantras everywhere. If you want to be hardcore like me, tattoo them everywhere. Whatever you got to do, we all forget. But as Jason Mraz says, why do we forget? Because it feels good to remember. Help yourself remember not to abandon yourself and share your self-improvement goals with others. Hold yourself accountable, get an accountability buddy, and seek support in healthy ways. Again, pick up the phone, tell a friend. Maybe you tell a friend, you know what? I just want to share with you, I'm working on being a bit more self-reliant. I'm working on abandoning myself less. So I just want you to know this is my journey. Are you willing to check in with me about this and to discuss it with me to see how we can support each other? Maybe you have a similar goal. How interesting is it to support each other on the journey of not abandoning ourselves? It like feels a bit counterintuitive or ironic, and yet that's a great way to support each other. And connect with that little mini you. Practice an inner child meditation. Uh, you know, a really simple way to do this is just take a few minutes to sit down, close your eyes. I like to put my hand on my heart or my belly. I like to do this laying down also before bed. Sometimes I'll even fall asleep. Just visualize yourself as a little kid. Say hi. See how they are. Ask them what they need. Ask them if they're afraid of something. Ask them what makes them joyful right now. Just talk to your little kid. Reassure them, I got you. I will never abandon you. You are safe. I'm telling you, I've been doing this for years. And while I still have work to do, this has drastically changed me and helped me. And I do believe that if you do this enough, that trauma that we all have in different ways does lessen and dissipate. And every little shift in that is worth celebrating. And embrace some self-soothing gestures. Like give yourself a good hug. Just tell yourself I have the ability to fulfill my own need. I can do it. I want to do it. Or you know what? Maybe I don't want to do it, but I can do it. I get to do it. I get to grow this muscle. Feels good. I never want to go to my workout, honestly. But anytime I go, and then after, I'm like, I'm so glad I did that. I'm so glad I'm hugging myself right now. I don't care if you think it's silly. Why don't you try it out? And there's a lot of empowering books and resources for personal growth. Again, I'm reading mind magic right now about using the brain to rewire yourself and kind of manifest more. Get a therapist. It's so helpful. And keep going, keep going. Get a coach, get someone, get a mentor, listen to the podcast. I got so many episodes here that honestly are connected to this as well that it might serve you as well. And celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate moments of self-support and resilience. Especially if you feel abandoned by someone and you feel like they're not showing up for you and you feel lonely. And then you catch that and you say, okay, first of all, it's totally okay. Acknowledge and validate your own self. Of course, I feel sad. I wish I had a hug. I haven't seen anyone in a week. It'd be nice to have a connection. It'd be nice if someone called me. Okay. Makes sense I feel this way. So what am I gonna do now? What can I do now that would feel good? That would show me that I don't abandon me in the moments where I need myself the most and do it. It could be a small little thing, but really, it could be anything. For me, again, I get outside, I get in the cold plunge, I do my makeup. Uh, I also sometimes buy something. Try not to do that so much because I got some debt and I'm trying to look for better rewards, like uh maybe a nice little simple treat, like something yummy, although I want to also not overdo that. What I want to do is just notice that I've noticed and that I haven't panicked. It's like every time that I show up emotionally the way I wish someone else showed up for me, I want to realize that I'm actually getting exactly what I want from right here in the moment, without a phone call, without even an ask of anyone else. Like, I got it. I got me. That just feels really good. Acknowledge that. Hell yeah, good job. You're growing. All the all that therapy, all that coaching, all those books, all that hardship, it brought you here. And honestly, I'm gonna keep this one more short. Life is so wild. And I've been struggling in quite many ways. Uh for all reasons that I don't need to go into. But as I even look at myself right now, as I'm recording this, I think it's like episode 42, something I always wanted to do. And no, this hasn't become like the most popular podcast in the world. And I haven't really even spent much time on really advertising it a ton, but I know it's made a difference. I know that there's people in 200 countries who've somehow gotten to hear this message, and it's somehow helped people. That is cool. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of you, Svety. I'm proud of you who's listening for taking the time to learn how to listen better. Listen better to yourself, listen to that inner child, listen to the part of you that feels abandoned. And remember, you cannot abandon yourself as an adult because you can find a solution. You can take care of yourself. You're not a helpless child, even if you feel like it. And the way to stop that feeling from happening all the time is to talk to your inner child, to soothe them, to calm them, to tell them, I love you, but I got you. I know you're scared, but that's okay. Everybody's scared sometimes. But I will never leave you. And if you catch yourself leaving yourself and abandoning yourself, forgive yourself. It's okay, we all do it. Come back. Just like you come back if you get distracted in a conversation, come back to yourself. You don't have to abandon yourself anymore. Unless you want to keep really suffering more than you have to. But I don't think anyone really wants that. I just think often we don't think it's possible to change. It's possible to change, it's possible to grow, it's possible to build confidence, it's possible to also burn it all down and feel like it's all over and then rise again and again and again. So may you rise, may you be a little more self-reliant, may you find a mantra as your homework. Ask yourself what you need to hear to remember that you got you. You got you. And first try to get yourself right, and then think of who in your life actually does have the time, the ability, and the desire to support you. Ask them if they're willing to do that, create some boundaries and understanding, and try your best. And I know this is easier said than done, but to not take things personally and to not make as many assumptions because you're probably a lot more loved than you think you are, and a lot more supported than you think you are. Don't always believe everything you think. All right, I'm sending you a big, big, big hug, and I'll see you next time.